Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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