I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
