I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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