last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
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