Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
