I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
