WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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