The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
