How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
