Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is Oprah even human
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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