I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
