Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
