College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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