Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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