paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
