You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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