i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
bring money and cleavage
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
