I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
