I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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