was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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