I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize