just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
