Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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