Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize