My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
