Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
