Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
