that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
