You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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