just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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