After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
