it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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