You're so nebulous sometimes
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
