I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
