proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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