she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
