Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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