remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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