i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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