Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
