so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
