Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
being pregnant is like rehab
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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