I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
