Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
