if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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