Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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