I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize