I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize