..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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