this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
